It was horrible , I was so nervous and full of fear. When I started talking my only thoughts were “WTF?!?!”
In 2017 I had TEDx talk. Many things have changed since then but the simple point still stays the same when I think about what I do and what am I supposed to be.
I am sharing this only now because I wasn’t able to hear my speech for more than one year. Just that sound of my voice, it’s still torture for me to hear that!!
(I translated it in English, because event was in Slovenia)
Content of speech:
/»when I open my mail I quickly check the »Titles« – and too many times they start with » I NEED tattoo« – This word NEED was always strange to me with connection with tattooes! Where did we go wrong in this world and forgot about our »needs« – I need food, water, air, peace ,… I need internet (haha) – those are supposed to be things we NEED.
We definitely don’t NEED tattooes, BUT they can have completely other role in our lives. We live in the world where we are so important to ourselves! Since we were small it was said to us »be your own person« »don’t copy everyone else« »you don’t have to be like others« … so everyone finds his own media in their lives, something that makes you FEEL yourself, important to even exist!
And so, since I was a kid I wanted to be different, but not actually different(because in truth I was just like every other teenager), but just to FEEL that in myself! So it started with clothes and haircuts. I remember one day when I came from school and my father had his friend on visit. I came into living room and he said to his friend:« she is always like this, not just for carnival« (it was February, we have carnival in that month) … I wasn’t angry, or sad!! I was happy – I achieved what I wanted, I made my point! And it meant a-lot because my dad noticed, and he doesn’t notice anything! (haha).
So in time I switched from clothes and hair to tattoos. With every new one on my body I feel better in my skin, I am better me. I know that with that I am hiding some of my insecurities, but don’t we all?! One way or another!! And when I think about giving just a little piece of that to other people with the work I do – I think it is amazing. Why wouldn’t we use this media, if it works?!?!!
My biggest problem with my work are the »type« of tattooes people think they want.
Let’s take one person named Bruno who wants a tattoo. Let’s say he wants a tattoo of »fly«. On this point Bruno already knows why he wants a tattoo of fly on his skin, or if he doesn’t know, he is thinking about the story he can make in his head to make sense out of it for him and OTHERS! And when Bruno finds his story, or excuse, he is almost done! On that point he goes on internet, he writes in google search »tattoo fly« – he scrolls around and on second page there is a photo of fly that he thinks is beautiful.. and he wants that!
And then I receive email from Bruno, with long STORY about fly, and at the end a picture of how it should look like! – this is where the problem awakes – because that part of »why« Bruno wants that fly is NOT really MY PROBLEM. I can’t pretend to feel what you feel if I don’t feel! This is your STORY! – I am the person who is interested in visualisation of this fly. How to make it into »his fly«!! I want, that when Bruno goes on the bus, and people see his tattoo they find it interesting… that they want to look at it again and again and again!!! Because when Bruno is living his life and people pass him by, they don’t care about STORY, they are interested in the visualisation of it! So story behind tattoo is everyone’s self problem – but we are not doing this just for ourselves (i truly don’t believe that) – we also do tattoos on our bodies for other people around us! We speak with our presence, we want some form of attention, we want to feel different … there is something that communicates with others, and it is OK. So I need to make visualisation good enough…
And there is that conflict! What Bruno finds beautiful and what I think is beautiful.
Because what »beautiful« even is???
During my studies one professor gave me book called »About art« – inside were written thoughts of great sculptor Rodin. It talks about how he was seeing »beauty«. “What is beautiful?” I like old chair better than new one, I fell in love with boy with pointy ears instead of »perfect« one, I like crooked nose more than »perfect« one, dog with strange tail,… I am looking for INTERESTING! Only the thing that makes my mind and heart trembling of interest, the thing that makes me want to see something again and again… Imagine you see a cow. You have seen cow for many times, so you just pass by. And then one day you see purple cow! Answer to yourself on this point what your reaction would be. This is the thing that makes things beautiful in my world. When there is something I don’t want to let my eyes off – this is the True Beauty – and IF I can achieve that Bruno sees my INTERESTING as his BEAUTIFUL than my work is almost done! At that point I just have to make a TATTOO. /
END of talk – and my energy was on 0% for one week.
And here is link if you want to hear how Slovenian language sounds or if you are my neighbour:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-dkzcXX0Tg&t=323s
da.da 